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The Aftermath of Telling Secrets

 

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With a medically fragile child, such as one that recently had invasive surgery, an emotionally fragile child needs the same quiet healing environment. A child that has recently had an appendix removed would remain quietly in their bed or on the couch without playing baseball or going swimming. A child who has recently divulged secrets or events of their past abuse cannot handle being out in public or over stimulated also. Consider how painful and extremely difficult it would be for you to betray your own mother or father. These children know when they tell of past abuses by relatives or "friends" that there will be repercussions for those people.

Could you tell on one of your parents knowing they may face prison? What a powerfully overwhelming dilemma this must be for a young child struggling with the burden of their abuse. They also suffer with intense fear of rejection, "Will you still love me?", "Can I still be your child after you know what I have done (or been through)?" The courage that it takes for a little one to open their mouth, open their heart, open their soul and expose the depths of their trauma was described by one young girl adopted from an orphanage in India as walking on burning hot coals to her adoptive mother. When I asked her why she was willing to do it and face such fear and such pain. She said, "Because I want to love my mother!" We need to honor the children by rearranging our busy lives to protect and nurture extra in the days or weeks following the revealing of deep secrets and painful memories.

A recent occurrence is an excellent example where an eight year old shaggy haired boy revealed numerous painful sexual experiences to his therapist. When a child is telling what has happened they visualize it and often relive the feelings until the therapist walks them through a corrective emotional experience or uses EMDR to dissipate the emotional charge connected with the memories of trauma. This young boy, within days, was taken to the mall to get a haircut. Normally this is a loving thing for a mom to do so a child feels good about himself. This child became verbally aggressive and then melted down to the floor, refusing to take his mother's hand and yelling, "You don't love me!", in front of gawking onlookers.

It is difficult to rearrange your life in order to be home in a quiet environment for a child that has just laid their soul bare and needs to be cuddled and nurtured until they are strong again. It is well worth the investment of time in the child. The shaggy hair can wait. The shopping trip, the relatives visits; These would all be set aside if it were a medical condition. They must be put aside as well for the emotionally fragile child to set them up for success. With an attitude of pride in our child's courage and confidence in their ability to handle life without the burden of the secret, we honor them by giving them a healing time. This would be a good time to read together, laugh and tell stories, make pizza, bake cookies together, rub lotion on each others feet. We may work with them as they do their chores or their usual routine to guide them and help them because they are a healing child, very vulnerable during that time.